A certain person (not mentioning any names), objects to this blog, has complained about it and tried to use it against me. To that person, I say don't read it then. Simple.... I have been left in a very horrible situation. I have no-one to turn to to talk about things. I have bottled my feelings up all my life and always kept everything within my walls. There is so much hurt going on inside of me right now, this blog was set up for me to let some of those feelings and emotions out. We all need an outlet to stop us from going crazy. It is like my diary. Go hunting for someone's diary and read something in it that you don't like, then it is your own fault. Don't read. Don't get your fingers burnt. And don't constantly check that diary for any new updates that might mention you in it. Even after all that I have gone through (and continue to), I have never made a public defamation of someone's character. And despite having every reason to do so, I have not. And also, no private details of what has gone on or been said inside a court of law has been reproduced in this blog. The outcome yes, but that affects my life and is to do with my life after I have left the courtroom. If I am allowed to see my son on a certain date, I will share the good news with my friends and family. Or if something gets transfered to a different area, I will also share that news. Feel free tho to desperately try and make me look a bad person. I know that I am a good person. And you also know it....
I write this blog after getting myself upset. A van has been outside my house covered in Fairy Lights with Christmas Songs playing loudly and 'Santa Claus' in the back of it, for the past 20mins or so... Lots of dads taking their little kids and toddlers out to it. Something I would kill to be able to do for the first time with my boy. I remember getting choked at it last year also when it was parked out there. But I had the knowledge that my then beautiful girlfriend would be down in a week or so with Benjamin and her two other children for the best part of three weeks over Christmas and New Years. This year, I know I will be alone. I won't see my baby boy at all. Even though he was too young last year to understand Christmas, it was his first one and I got to spend it with him. A child should have both his (or her) parents in his life. Especially at this time of year, it's Christmas. But in the eyes of certain people, Benjamin no longer needs his daddy. He has forgotten who his daddy is and has a new 'father figure' in his life. Benjamin's daddy is just an inconvenience that is getting in the way of the perfect family setup.... I miss my baby boy Benjamin more than anything. Especially his big smile and clingy hugs! He is the love of my life. My world. I won't be celebrating Christmas this year in the slightest. I will not even so much as put a tree up or be buying a turkey.
This blog is a very depressing one I know. And it's about to get worse. But it is the last one that I will ever make. Benjamin is part of everything I ever wanted in life. I've never been drunk, never smoked, never tried drugs, never been in a fight before and never been in any sort of trouble. I never go to pubs or football with "mates". I have always been the homely type and have always just wanted the quiet, simple, family life. A lovely girlfriend to settle down with and a family of our own. Especially a child of my own. I waited 33yrs for my child as I wanted it to be the right time and special. And boy, was my son well worth the wait! All I ever wanted was the opportunity to be the father that I never had. And I got my chance, but it got snatched away....
Seeing that I haven't been allowed to see you in 8 months and I can't even talk to you directly anymore Benjamin, but if you ever get to read this some day. I want you to know that daddy loves you so much. Daddy has fought with all that he has in him to see you and conquered all his biggest fears and phobias that have plagued him for over half his life. Daddy has done this until he has been left physically and mentally exhausted. There is not a day goes by where daddy doesn't think about you. There is not a day that goes by where daddy doesn't shed a tear for you. There is not a day that goes by where daddy isn't missing you. There is not a day that goes by where daddy isn't feeling so much love for you. I've never had anything in life until you came along. You were the most special thing to me that money or anything else just can not buy. You made daddy so happy when you came into this world. You are so special. Never, ever forget that. And never ever forget that you were daddy's world...
Now I know some of my male friends on Facebook will have read this and thought "Oh geeze, what a total idiot. Have some pride man. You are sounding like a right woman here...." But that is ok. I do not mind nor care. I know a certain someone will be laughing at this, showing it off to other people and planning on using it against me in some way. But that is ok For I might be lonely, hurt and alone, but I will always be a good person and everyone else on the planet that knows me is already aware of that. I got immaturely called "bloody pathetic" by some naive person who has no doubt had their head-filled with rubbish as someone walked past me yesterday when I was up North. It is ok, I forgive you. One day you will see the light my friend, as I did, and as did those who came before me...
I will sign out from this blog with these final words. Thank you to everyone on Facebook who has wished me luck, offered me inspiration, motivation, thoughts and love. I am truly blessed to have such amazing friends. And it's times like these where one realises that. Too many to thank individually, but I read each and every comment and message and appreciate them all greatly. And to Benjamin James Alan McGarry. I love you so much. You are my star. My world. My everything. I miss you more than words can express....
Peace and love to you all.
-Mark.
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Court, Showers, & Rather disgusting smells...
Howdy folks,
So, I just wrote a whole blog that was probably the equivalent of around fifty pages of A4 long. And guess what? Yep, I somehow managed to lose it all. Fantastic. I should have known what kind of day I was in for first thing this morning when I dropped my full mug of tea on my nice new wooden floor and all over the computer wires and extension lead. I however, successfully evaded electrocuting myself whilst clearing it up and managed to turn up at court in one piece. Anyways, I will keep this blog short and sweet as I really can't be bothered typing it all out again!
Basically, it went very well indeed. The case has been transferred to Halifax which is a pain. But, I get to see my son far more often than I expected that I would be allowed. And I get to see him far sooner than I ever anticipated! Starting this Tuesday coming (29. November), I get to see him for 2hrs a day. Every Tuesday. Granted, I have to travel all the way to a Halifax 'Contact Centre', and it will kill me getting there. But it will be worth it! And my near 74yr old mother has kindly offered to drive me there. Which will halve the time that it would have taken on the train. So as I say, I am very pleased with the outcome! It's a victory for me, a victory for Benjamin and a victory for fathers who are suffering from the unjust treatment inflicted on them by ex-partners.
A big, BIG, BIG, 'Thank you' to everyone that has wished me good luck for today on Facebook. There are so many of you and I was overwhelmed by the support and love shown by you guys. It means a lot and will never be forgotten. I did actually write a full list of individual thank you's to each and every one of you in the blog that I accidently whiped. So please forgive me for really not having the motivation to write it all out again! Plus, I want to get this blog up quickly so people don't think that I am just creating suspense and drama instead of letting people know how it went! :)
A little while ago, I had a new shower fitted. About 10mins before the guys were due to come and fit it, I badly, all of a sudden needed to take a dump. I mean really, really bad. So bad I was turtling. I have no idea where it came from, it was out of the blue. All I knew was that I had to go! Soon as I sat down on the toilet, my front door was knocked upon. Brilliant. It's not exactly something you can stop doing when in the middle of it. And even when done, you have to keep whiping until all the brown-streaks stop appearing on the toilet paper. And trust me, this time, they didn't seem to stop! Like a 100 wipes later, I was till going! Anyways, when I was finally done, brushed the skid-marks off of the back of the toilet and hands were washed; I rushed to my bedroom to get my spray deodorant as my "Air Freshner" was empty. Soon as I went back into the bathroom with the deodorant, it hit me. This was probably the most vile, most disgusting, most pungent-smelling dump that I had ever had before in my life. It was even making me gag. So I sprayed the deodorant everywhere in there and opened the window and then went down and let the guys in. Now obviously, my toilet is in the bathroom right next to the shower. Those poor bastards in there. Seriously. I didn't even go up the stairs with them, I just hid in my front room out of embarrassment. After they were done and had left (looking overly pale with a slight hint of green to their faces..) I went and inspected the new shower. And guys, seriously. There is no smell like it. When you have had a really smelly dump and combined the smell of it with some deodorant or 'air freshner' and then you go back into the bathroom like an hour later. Honestly, you guys know the smell I mean? It's the most horrible, bizarre, confusing, disgusting, just down right wrong smell known to man. And I have shared mine with a couple of strange guys. I doubt I will ever see them ever again. But I have never been so embarrassed before in my life. Has anything similar ever happened to any of you?
And on that note, Over and out!
Once again, thank you all! I love you in the face, twice! You guys rock x
So, I just wrote a whole blog that was probably the equivalent of around fifty pages of A4 long. And guess what? Yep, I somehow managed to lose it all. Fantastic. I should have known what kind of day I was in for first thing this morning when I dropped my full mug of tea on my nice new wooden floor and all over the computer wires and extension lead. I however, successfully evaded electrocuting myself whilst clearing it up and managed to turn up at court in one piece. Anyways, I will keep this blog short and sweet as I really can't be bothered typing it all out again!
Basically, it went very well indeed. The case has been transferred to Halifax which is a pain. But, I get to see my son far more often than I expected that I would be allowed. And I get to see him far sooner than I ever anticipated! Starting this Tuesday coming (29. November), I get to see him for 2hrs a day. Every Tuesday. Granted, I have to travel all the way to a Halifax 'Contact Centre', and it will kill me getting there. But it will be worth it! And my near 74yr old mother has kindly offered to drive me there. Which will halve the time that it would have taken on the train. So as I say, I am very pleased with the outcome! It's a victory for me, a victory for Benjamin and a victory for fathers who are suffering from the unjust treatment inflicted on them by ex-partners.
A big, BIG, BIG, 'Thank you' to everyone that has wished me good luck for today on Facebook. There are so many of you and I was overwhelmed by the support and love shown by you guys. It means a lot and will never be forgotten. I did actually write a full list of individual thank you's to each and every one of you in the blog that I accidently whiped. So please forgive me for really not having the motivation to write it all out again! Plus, I want to get this blog up quickly so people don't think that I am just creating suspense and drama instead of letting people know how it went! :)
A little while ago, I had a new shower fitted. About 10mins before the guys were due to come and fit it, I badly, all of a sudden needed to take a dump. I mean really, really bad. So bad I was turtling. I have no idea where it came from, it was out of the blue. All I knew was that I had to go! Soon as I sat down on the toilet, my front door was knocked upon. Brilliant. It's not exactly something you can stop doing when in the middle of it. And even when done, you have to keep whiping until all the brown-streaks stop appearing on the toilet paper. And trust me, this time, they didn't seem to stop! Like a 100 wipes later, I was till going! Anyways, when I was finally done, brushed the skid-marks off of the back of the toilet and hands were washed; I rushed to my bedroom to get my spray deodorant as my "Air Freshner" was empty. Soon as I went back into the bathroom with the deodorant, it hit me. This was probably the most vile, most disgusting, most pungent-smelling dump that I had ever had before in my life. It was even making me gag. So I sprayed the deodorant everywhere in there and opened the window and then went down and let the guys in. Now obviously, my toilet is in the bathroom right next to the shower. Those poor bastards in there. Seriously. I didn't even go up the stairs with them, I just hid in my front room out of embarrassment. After they were done and had left (looking overly pale with a slight hint of green to their faces..) I went and inspected the new shower. And guys, seriously. There is no smell like it. When you have had a really smelly dump and combined the smell of it with some deodorant or 'air freshner' and then you go back into the bathroom like an hour later. Honestly, you guys know the smell I mean? It's the most horrible, bizarre, confusing, disgusting, just down right wrong smell known to man. And I have shared mine with a couple of strange guys. I doubt I will ever see them ever again. But I have never been so embarrassed before in my life. Has anything similar ever happened to any of you?
And on that note, Over and out!
Once again, thank you all! I love you in the face, twice! You guys rock x
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Gossip, drama, handbags & True Blood!
Right, here's some gossip for you all! heh. As you guys know (or at least those of you that pay any kind of attention whatsoever to this blog do), I have had Agoraphobia for 17yrs. In that time, I obviously became something of a hermit/recluse. I never had any friends or spoke to anyone (other than my mother from time to time). Now I am getting over the Agoraphobia and now a much more sociable person, I find myself opening up a lot more and chatting to people (especially online). But all those years of not really talking to anyone, has left me very socially inept it would appear. I'm maybe not the most tactile of people when it comes to making jokes or 'saying the right thing'. But I am learning and I am trying. Still, there doesn't seem to be a week that goes by where I am not upsetting someone or the other on Facebook that I class as a friend. And end up getting deleted in the process (I swear my friends list is going down quicker than Amy Childs at a drunken party for single billionaires). And yet again, it happened last night....
A woman that was in my class in High School and now a "Facebook Friend" that I had recently been having a laugh with of late, posted a status last night saying "I'm stewing..". So, I replied to it with "Oooh, beef & dumplings?!". Then someone else asked her what was up, and she said something about being pissed off or something. So I then just added "Or is it Chicken, Irish, or Ratatouille?!" and didn't think anything else of it. Then this morning, I wake to find that she has deleted me off of Facebook and sent me this following mail:
So I replied with:
Heck, this is already a longass blog, so I may as well paste the rest of the convo!
And she blocked me after that....
So, anyhow. All silly handbags and un-necessary drama if you ask me. The only reason I am showing the conversation, is because this kind of thing is happening to me. A lot... I seem to have an uncanny nack for "pissing people off". I want to know where you guys think that I am going wrong. Set me straight. As I am sick of this kind of thing happening over and over again. I don't think I am a bad person in the slightest, so it's starting to worry me. Normally I wouldn't show a private conversation that I have with someone. But there's nothing really personal here. And she's blocked and deleted me now anyways. Now, I know that Sarah & I have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook (that we both went to school with), so I'm sure I will probably get a lot of abuse from people defending her. Or at least pointing her in the direction of this blog. That is fine. I'm not bad-mouthing her. The opposite actually. I am just trying to find out where I am going wrong. So any comments on here would be greatly appreciated!
Recently I lost my laptop for a few days due to a virus that wiped everything (including windows), so had some spare time and watched all four seasons of True Blood. I am really loving the show and can't wait to next summer for season 5. I have to say 'Jessica' the vampire from the show is my current crush (played by Deborah Ann Woll). I'm sure you are all extremely happy that I told you that, I know, and you're very welcome! She can bite me and suck me dry anytime she wants to! Does anybody else watch the show?! Who is your favourite character? What do you think of the various seasons?!
Anyways, Happy Halloween folks! I hope you all have a great time! Please feel free to leave any comments and I will return with some more rantings soon enough!
You poor bastards.....
A woman that was in my class in High School and now a "Facebook Friend" that I had recently been having a laugh with of late, posted a status last night saying "I'm stewing..". So, I replied to it with "Oooh, beef & dumplings?!". Then someone else asked her what was up, and she said something about being pissed off or something. So I then just added "Or is it Chicken, Irish, or Ratatouille?!" and didn't think anything else of it. Then this morning, I wake to find that she has deleted me off of Facebook and sent me this following mail:
6 hours ago
Sarah Shaw- Hi do u really think it's fair to publicly take the piss out of my problems? I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate someone doing the same to you!
It makes it worse that my problem started very much like yours 15 yrs ago and I'm still getting the shit just because my daughter isn't a baby it doesn't make it hurt any less you should think about how you would feel before trampling all over someone elses feelings
So I replied with:
53 minutes agoMark McGarry- Hello. No-one was 'publicly taking the piss out of your problems'. "it doesn't make it hurt any less you should think about how you would feel before trampling all over someone elses feelings" Are you serious? You put that you were "stewing" (which means "to undergo cooking by simmering or slow boiling"). So I asumed you were a little pissed off with something, so I tried to keep things light-hearted and defuse the situation a little with some humour and simply asked what kind of stew you were making "chicken, beef, etc".... How you can say that you are hurt by this and that I have trampled all over your feelings and have publicly taken the piss out of your feelings is a massive over-reaction on your part. I have no idea why you have taken such a little, light-hearted, non personal comment and turned it into something much bigger? As you said, you were stewing, perhaps you just needed someone to take it all out on (especially with me being a man!). I have no idea. But in future, if you don't want people to pass comment on your personal life, then I suggest that you don't keep putting it all over Facebook. A place where anyone can pass comment. I see you have also deleted me for asking "what kind of stew?". As I said, ridiculous and a total over-reaction. But once again, I wish you good luck with your future and I hope you soon get all your problems sorted. As it seems to be ruining your life at the moment and you are bringing other people down in the process. Regards, Mark.
Heck, this is already a longass blog, so I may as well paste the rest of the convo!
- Sarah Shaw:
- You were taking the piss any idiot could see I wasn't on about cooking you even continued after I said I was pissed off I aren't taking my problems out on anyone
- I can make light of a lot of things and laugh at myself but I would never try to make light of your situation with your son so why do it with me? I was letting off steam on my status as do a lot of people some even write a whole blog about their problems think I'm entitled to two words don't you
38 minutes agoMark McGarry- How could I be taking the piss out of your problems when I had no idea about them or what was going on?! I simply made a couple of little jokes re:stewing & cooking. Maybe in a few days time when things have calmed down a bit, you might see just how badly you have over-reacted to it. You say you have so much shit going on in your life at the moment (as you know, so do I). So I was just trying to keep things light-hearted and make a little joke. Not at your problems, as I am not aware of them. Just in general. I was trying to make you smile/laugh a little. Trying to cheer you up. As a friend. It obviously didn't work...
36 minutes agoSarah Shaw- But when someone is obviously annoyed about something is this really the right time to make a joke? I think not let's just say on one of ur status's about your son I cracked a joke would u think it was funny I doubt it
33 minutes agoMark McGarry- Yes, you are entitled to two words of course.. Am I not allowed a couple of words myself to ask "chicken or beef"? It was a joke. lighten-up and stop being such a dramaqueen. And how you can compare a me making a slight joke on your status saying that you are stewing to making a comment on a status about my son is completely different and very personal. Where my comment wasn't...
32 minutes agoSarah Shaw- I really do hope you don't have to fight for your child for 15 yrs but if you do you might just understand that this isn't something I find funny in the least neither is it something I have any control over and every now and again I have a few days maybe weeks where I let off steam especially times like now when I've got other things to deal with
18 minutes agoSarah Shaw- It's only different because it's about u so me having problems is me being a drama queen? U really are a self centred idiot i really can't be bothered with this shit and I certainly don't need it!!
And she blocked me after that....
So, anyhow. All silly handbags and un-necessary drama if you ask me. The only reason I am showing the conversation, is because this kind of thing is happening to me. A lot... I seem to have an uncanny nack for "pissing people off". I want to know where you guys think that I am going wrong. Set me straight. As I am sick of this kind of thing happening over and over again. I don't think I am a bad person in the slightest, so it's starting to worry me. Normally I wouldn't show a private conversation that I have with someone. But there's nothing really personal here. And she's blocked and deleted me now anyways. Now, I know that Sarah & I have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook (that we both went to school with), so I'm sure I will probably get a lot of abuse from people defending her. Or at least pointing her in the direction of this blog. That is fine. I'm not bad-mouthing her. The opposite actually. I am just trying to find out where I am going wrong. So any comments on here would be greatly appreciated!
Recently I lost my laptop for a few days due to a virus that wiped everything (including windows), so had some spare time and watched all four seasons of True Blood. I am really loving the show and can't wait to next summer for season 5. I have to say 'Jessica' the vampire from the show is my current crush (played by Deborah Ann Woll). I'm sure you are all extremely happy that I told you that, I know, and you're very welcome! She can bite me and suck me dry anytime she wants to! Does anybody else watch the show?! Who is your favourite character? What do you think of the various seasons?!
Anyways, Happy Halloween folks! I hope you all have a great time! Please feel free to leave any comments and I will return with some more rantings soon enough!
You poor bastards.....
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Sick buckets, Lady Gaga penis, and Facebook pokes! (my idea of a good night!)
Well hello again folks! Sorry it has been so long since I last blogged (I only am doing so today as I have been ordered to by Ms. Hammond & Ms. Whitehead on Facebook!). I've wanted to update for the past week or so, but really haven't had anything to blog about. Due to my "condition" mentioned in my first blog, I rarely ever get up to much. The highlight of my week/fortnight is going food shopping at Asda. And to be honest, I only really want to blog about things that I think people may actually find to be of slight interest. I'm not going to ramble on just for the sake of it and lose the three readers that I actually have right now! So expect my blogs to be very few and far between! :)
I finally got around to watching the first couple of episodes of "Gavin & Stacey" the other night when it gave me something of a "Bridget Jones" moment. I suddenly realised that I am going to be 35yrs old in February. As people keep telling me (Hi mum!), I should be settled down by now with a nice girl and a family. Being a recovering Agoraphobic, you become accustomed to that way of life. I was pretty much a hermit recluse and didn't mind my own company. I never went anywhere or did anything. Never saw anyone else. Lived on my computer and never got lonely. Now I am recovering from the Agoraphobia and am generally a much more sociable person, for the first time in my life I a lonely (that sounds pathetic to write!). I can actually hear the sound of 100 violins playing sympathetic music (and 100 women vomitting into buckets...). I am starting to miss the simple, everyday things in life like a simple 'hug' (it's been the best part of a year since I last had one off of anyone!). To be honest, it would probably end up giving me an erection it's been so long since I've had any sort of physical contact! (let's hope my mum doesn't offer me one anytime soon!). You know things are pretty bad in life when the only form of physical contact that you ever get is a 'Poke' on 'Facebook'!
So anyways, enough of the desperation and cringeworthy talk! And more talk about 'Lady Gaga's PeePee!'. I had no idea what to blog about (as mentioned earlier), so asked for topics to discuss from my friends on 'Facebook'. Donna Whitehead asked me to blog about Lady Gaga's Penis, so who am I to ignore my three reader's requests?! :) So does she have a penis? I've been researching this now (no idea why, but it's something to pass the time right?!) and have come across a couple of videos (not in that sense you filthy swines!)...
Now, you can clearly see it at the 1min mark when she steps off of the bike and pulls down her dress. Maybe it's real, maybe it's fake. Maybe she/he/it put a fake one there as a joke to further fuel the rumour-mill. Who knows? This is really old news and I won't go over it any further. I really couldn't care less if she has a vagina, a penis, a mangina, both, or nothing there at all! Whatever she has there, then I say embrace it! If it's a penis, then embrace your penis Gaga! I know that I do most nights! (Mine, not hers, just so that we're clear....).
Well. that's enough talk about peniseseses, it's left me feeling a little queer (as in odd/strange!). I actually really don't know where to go with this blog now?! Maybe it's best if we just leave it here? Quietly slip away, wash our hands, forget this ever happened and get back to wasting our lives away on Facebook!
Until we meet again, ciao for now!
I finally got around to watching the first couple of episodes of "Gavin & Stacey" the other night when it gave me something of a "Bridget Jones" moment. I suddenly realised that I am going to be 35yrs old in February. As people keep telling me (Hi mum!), I should be settled down by now with a nice girl and a family. Being a recovering Agoraphobic, you become accustomed to that way of life. I was pretty much a hermit recluse and didn't mind my own company. I never went anywhere or did anything. Never saw anyone else. Lived on my computer and never got lonely. Now I am recovering from the Agoraphobia and am generally a much more sociable person, for the first time in my life I a lonely (that sounds pathetic to write!). I can actually hear the sound of 100 violins playing sympathetic music (and 100 women vomitting into buckets...). I am starting to miss the simple, everyday things in life like a simple 'hug' (it's been the best part of a year since I last had one off of anyone!). To be honest, it would probably end up giving me an erection it's been so long since I've had any sort of physical contact! (let's hope my mum doesn't offer me one anytime soon!). You know things are pretty bad in life when the only form of physical contact that you ever get is a 'Poke' on 'Facebook'!
So anyways, enough of the desperation and cringeworthy talk! And more talk about 'Lady Gaga's PeePee!'. I had no idea what to blog about (as mentioned earlier), so asked for topics to discuss from my friends on 'Facebook'. Donna Whitehead asked me to blog about Lady Gaga's Penis, so who am I to ignore my three reader's requests?! :) So does she have a penis? I've been researching this now (no idea why, but it's something to pass the time right?!) and have come across a couple of videos (not in that sense you filthy swines!)...
Now, you can clearly see it at the 1min mark when she steps off of the bike and pulls down her dress. Maybe it's real, maybe it's fake. Maybe she/he/it put a fake one there as a joke to further fuel the rumour-mill. Who knows? This is really old news and I won't go over it any further. I really couldn't care less if she has a vagina, a penis, a mangina, both, or nothing there at all! Whatever she has there, then I say embrace it! If it's a penis, then embrace your penis Gaga! I know that I do most nights! (Mine, not hers, just so that we're clear....).
Well. that's enough talk about peniseseses, it's left me feeling a little queer (as in odd/strange!). I actually really don't know where to go with this blog now?! Maybe it's best if we just leave it here? Quietly slip away, wash our hands, forget this ever happened and get back to wasting our lives away on Facebook!
Until we meet again, ciao for now!
Sunday, 2 October 2011
What's the score with my baby boy?!
Howdy again folks! Well, this is my second and most likely final "personal" blog for the time being. I've used the internet daily since I was 18 (I am 34 now). And this blog is the first place I have never put private, personal information about myself and my life on the internet. I have never agreed with people that air and share their problems and personal lives all over the internet. Especially in extremely public places (for example 'Facebook'). I don't agree with it and feel I am being something of a hypocrite in making this blog so personal, but at least no-one reads it! So I guess I am okay for now!
I am feeling very sad today. Things are finally starting to get on top of me with my baby boy Benjamin. I have to be careful what I put here, as the case is currently in the hands of the solicitors and waiting to go to court. And my ex (Benjamin's mother) stalks me all over the internet watching everything that I say and do, hoping that I put something that she can use against me. I don't want to say or do anything that she can use against me and that might stand a chance of being detrimental to my case. But anyways, I have been feeling very sad. I have seen my baby boy for only one weekend since the beginning of January (sometime in the middle of March). We are now in October. So that is one weekend in ten months. And still, everynight, I stay up until 4am-5am on my computer. Until I am physically exhausted before I go to sleep. If I go to bed any earlier, then I just lay there thinking about him. Even now there is not a day that goes by where I don't shed tears over him. Especially when looking at photos or videos that I have in my mass collection!
I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or get into any trouble. I've never been drunk before in my life, never been in a fight, never been in any trouble with the law. I hate lies. The only lie I have ever told was when I was at school and I used to lie to my mum that I had eaten all my lunch when really I had thrown it in the bin on the way home! I think I am a pretty good role-model. He is everything I have ever wanted. There is so many things I could say about his mother that could go against her, but I won't. This is about Benjamin. But anyways, here I am having to fight with everything I have to see my baby boy. My own flesh and blood. My first born. My son. Heck, he even has my surname! Why am I having to fight like this? What gives a bunch of strangers the right to decide if and when I can see my son (if ever?!). I could understand if I was a criminal or if his health and safety was at risk. In the short time I have had with him last year (before he's been pretty much kidnapped away from me). We have bonded so well. He's a daddy's boy. And I have been pretty near the perfect dad to him. Whenever my ex had hold of him and he wouldn't settle and would be crying the place down, I would take ahold of him. And immediately he would stop all the crying and most of the time end up with a cheeky little grin, he had his daddy and I had my boy.
The laws in this country regarding fathers need to be changed. As a father, we pretty much have no rights at all. The courts side 100% with the mother (unlike in other countries where the laws have recently been updated). Why are we still so behind in this country? It shouldn't be about gender, it should be about who would be the best and most beneficial parent to our children. Other than breastmilk, what can a bad mother give a child that a brilliant father can not?!
My ex has recently changed her mobile number so I can't text her and ask how Benjamin is. She has blocked me on Facebook, so I can't ask there. She won't answer her landline so that I can ask or even talk to Ben. She won't log on MSN or put her webcam on for me to see him just for 2mins or send me any updated photos of him. So this is getting me down also. I even tried going to Mediation to see if we could come to some agreement with regards to me seeing Ben, but she didn't turn up. Which is now why it is waiting to go to court. Anyways, I will never, ever stop fighting to see my baby boy. The only problem is my Agoraphobia (as mentioned in my previous blog). My ex and baby boy, live a 3hr train journey away from me (6hrs there and back!). There is no way on Earth that I can do that with my phobias. No matter how badly I want to see him. It's so frustrating. And as my solicitor said, the courts can't force my ex to bring Benjamin down to me. So it looks like I will not get anywhere. The best I can apparently hope for is to do the 3 hour journey up there, see him for one hour (supervised) at a stupid contact centre (indeed, what the hell?!), and then a 3hr journey back. All in one day. Once or twice a month. Ben is not going to get to know me again and bond in that allotted time. And as I said, no matter how hard I try, I can not do that travelling. Maybe I have lost my baby boy for good? Who knows, but I will continue to fight all the while I continue to breathe....
I am feeling very sad today. Things are finally starting to get on top of me with my baby boy Benjamin. I have to be careful what I put here, as the case is currently in the hands of the solicitors and waiting to go to court. And my ex (Benjamin's mother) stalks me all over the internet watching everything that I say and do, hoping that I put something that she can use against me. I don't want to say or do anything that she can use against me and that might stand a chance of being detrimental to my case. But anyways, I have been feeling very sad. I have seen my baby boy for only one weekend since the beginning of January (sometime in the middle of March). We are now in October. So that is one weekend in ten months. And still, everynight, I stay up until 4am-5am on my computer. Until I am physically exhausted before I go to sleep. If I go to bed any earlier, then I just lay there thinking about him. Even now there is not a day that goes by where I don't shed tears over him. Especially when looking at photos or videos that I have in my mass collection!
I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or get into any trouble. I've never been drunk before in my life, never been in a fight, never been in any trouble with the law. I hate lies. The only lie I have ever told was when I was at school and I used to lie to my mum that I had eaten all my lunch when really I had thrown it in the bin on the way home! I think I am a pretty good role-model. He is everything I have ever wanted. There is so many things I could say about his mother that could go against her, but I won't. This is about Benjamin. But anyways, here I am having to fight with everything I have to see my baby boy. My own flesh and blood. My first born. My son. Heck, he even has my surname! Why am I having to fight like this? What gives a bunch of strangers the right to decide if and when I can see my son (if ever?!). I could understand if I was a criminal or if his health and safety was at risk. In the short time I have had with him last year (before he's been pretty much kidnapped away from me). We have bonded so well. He's a daddy's boy. And I have been pretty near the perfect dad to him. Whenever my ex had hold of him and he wouldn't settle and would be crying the place down, I would take ahold of him. And immediately he would stop all the crying and most of the time end up with a cheeky little grin, he had his daddy and I had my boy.
(Please ignore the stupid High Pitched baby talk that I am doing with my boy in this video. He has an effect on me! It's annoying I know! I do apologise!).
Oh and blame Toys 'R' Us for the Pink Glo-Worm. I order him a load of stuff for Christmas from there. I asked for a blue one and they sent the pink one. But Ben loved it all the same! :)
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Who am I?! Agoraphobia & Auburness!
Well a big fat hello to anyone that might be reading this! I'm not sure if anyone will be, but I'm sure this will still be a great place for me to rent (combination of rant and vent?!) none-the-less. So for anyone that might be reading that isn't too sure who I am, let me quickly bring you up to date!
I'm a 34yr old (currently single male), born in Chatham, Kent, but moved to Stoke on Trent when I was 10. I went to Biddulph High School until I left in the Spring/Summer of '93. My nickname there was 'Jaffa', wittingly called due to my Auburn (yes, not ginger!) coloured hair! I currently live in a three bedroomed semi-detached in Kidsgrove. I have a beautiful 16 month old baby boy named Benjamin who lives with his mother up in Halifax and who I heartbreakingly, never get to see (I will blog further on this subject soon enough....). I also have a boxer dog called "Spike" and an African Grey Parrot called "Max".
Anyway, shortly after leaving High School in 1993, I developed Agoraphobia (fear of going out). Which meant I suffered from severe panic attacks and anxiety whenever I left the house. This was a "side-effect" phobia of an existing phobia that I have had all my life, called Emetophobia (fear of Vomiting). Basically, I would get anxious of the thought of going outside and being sick, so I was safe staying indoors in my little "safe-zone". Which is where the Agoraphobia started. To me, it was much easier sitting indoors with no anxiety or panic attacks than to go out. I was this way and didn't go outside the front door for years!
I am happy to say that half my life later (17yrs), I am beating the Agoraphobia and a million times better than I was. For example, I can go out shopping, and be out for a few hours and then come back home. With no anxiety, panic or the likes, whatsoever! I am still not well enough to use public transport or to go long distances in the car (about 20-30mins is my maximum limit!). But I am getting there!
So that is my baggage. We all have our problems in some way, shape or form. And that is mine! :) I just wanted to blog about it and get it out the way. I don't want to go on and on about it. I want to have a little fun with this blog and keep things light-hearted mostly. I will end this blog entry here as I feel I have rambled on enough! Plus Big Brother is just about to start (Sad I know!). I blame the agoraphobia! 17yrs I missed out on my life and socializing, so nowadays I am interested in watching strangers live their lives on tv I guess! Well that's my sorry-arsed excuse and I'm sticking to it!
I'm a 34yr old (currently single male), born in Chatham, Kent, but moved to Stoke on Trent when I was 10. I went to Biddulph High School until I left in the Spring/Summer of '93. My nickname there was 'Jaffa', wittingly called due to my Auburn (yes, not ginger!) coloured hair! I currently live in a three bedroomed semi-detached in Kidsgrove. I have a beautiful 16 month old baby boy named Benjamin who lives with his mother up in Halifax and who I heartbreakingly, never get to see (I will blog further on this subject soon enough....). I also have a boxer dog called "Spike" and an African Grey Parrot called "Max".
Anyway, shortly after leaving High School in 1993, I developed Agoraphobia (fear of going out). Which meant I suffered from severe panic attacks and anxiety whenever I left the house. This was a "side-effect" phobia of an existing phobia that I have had all my life, called Emetophobia (fear of Vomiting). Basically, I would get anxious of the thought of going outside and being sick, so I was safe staying indoors in my little "safe-zone". Which is where the Agoraphobia started. To me, it was much easier sitting indoors with no anxiety or panic attacks than to go out. I was this way and didn't go outside the front door for years!
I am happy to say that half my life later (17yrs), I am beating the Agoraphobia and a million times better than I was. For example, I can go out shopping, and be out for a few hours and then come back home. With no anxiety, panic or the likes, whatsoever! I am still not well enough to use public transport or to go long distances in the car (about 20-30mins is my maximum limit!). But I am getting there!
So that is my baggage. We all have our problems in some way, shape or form. And that is mine! :) I just wanted to blog about it and get it out the way. I don't want to go on and on about it. I want to have a little fun with this blog and keep things light-hearted mostly. I will end this blog entry here as I feel I have rambled on enough! Plus Big Brother is just about to start (Sad I know!). I blame the agoraphobia! 17yrs I missed out on my life and socializing, so nowadays I am interested in watching strangers live their lives on tv I guess! Well that's my sorry-arsed excuse and I'm sticking to it!
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