What's the score with my baby boy?!

Howdy again folks! Well, this is my second and most likely final "personal" blog for the time being. I've used the internet daily since I was 18 (I am 34 now). And this blog is the first place I have never put private, personal information about myself and my life on the internet. I have never agreed with people that air and share their problems and personal lives all over the internet. Especially in extremely public places (for example 'Facebook'). I don't agree with it and feel I am being something of a hypocrite in making this blog so personal, but at least no-one reads it! So I guess I am okay for now!

I am feeling very sad today. Things are finally starting to get on top of me with my baby boy Benjamin. I have to be careful what I put here, as the case is currently in the hands of the solicitors and waiting to go to court. And my ex (Benjamin's mother) stalks me all over the internet watching everything that I say and do, hoping that I put something that she can use against me. I don't want to say or do anything that she can use against me and that might stand a chance of being detrimental to my case. But anyways, I have been feeling very sad. I have seen my baby boy for only one weekend since the beginning of January (sometime in the middle of March). We are now in October. So that is one weekend in ten months. And still, everynight, I stay up until 4am-5am on my computer. Until I am physically exhausted before I go to sleep. If I go to bed any earlier, then I just lay there thinking about him. Even now there is not a day that goes by where I don't shed tears over him. Especially when looking at photos or videos that I have in my mass collection!

I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or get into any trouble. I've never been drunk before in my life, never been in a fight, never been in any trouble with the law. I hate lies. The only lie I have ever told was when I was at school and I used to lie to my mum that I had eaten all my lunch when really I had thrown it in the bin on the way home! I think I am a pretty good role-model. He is everything I have ever wanted. There is so many things I could say about his mother that could go against her, but I won't. This is about Benjamin. But anyways, here I am having to fight with everything I have to see my baby boy. My own flesh and blood. My first born. My son. Heck, he even has my surname! Why am I having to fight like this? What gives a bunch of strangers the right to decide if and when I can see my son (if ever?!). I could understand if I was a criminal or if his health and safety was at risk. In the short time I have had with him last year (before he's been pretty much kidnapped away from me). We have bonded so well. He's a daddy's boy. And I have been pretty near the perfect dad to him. Whenever my ex had hold of him and he wouldn't settle and would be crying the place down, I would take ahold of him. And immediately he would stop all the crying and most of the time end up with a cheeky little grin, he had his daddy and I had my boy.

The laws in this country regarding fathers need to be changed. As a father, we pretty much have no rights at all. The courts side 100% with the mother (unlike in other countries where the laws have recently been updated). Why are we still so behind in this country? It shouldn't be about gender, it should be about who would be the best and most beneficial parent to our children. Other than breastmilk, what can a bad mother give a child that a brilliant father can not?!

My ex has recently changed her mobile number so I can't text her and ask how Benjamin is. She has blocked me on Facebook, so I can't ask there. She won't answer her landline so that I can ask or even talk to Ben. She won't log on MSN or put her webcam on for me to see him just for 2mins or send me any updated photos of him. So this is getting me down also. I even tried going to Mediation to see if we could come to some agreement with regards to me seeing Ben, but she didn't turn up. Which is now why it is waiting to go to court. Anyways, I will never, ever stop fighting to see my baby boy. The only problem is my Agoraphobia (as mentioned in my previous blog). My ex and baby boy, live a 3hr train journey away from me (6hrs there and back!). There is no way on Earth that I can do that with my phobias. No matter how badly I want to see him. It's so frustrating. And as my solicitor said, the courts can't force my ex to bring Benjamin down to me. So it looks like I will not get anywhere. The best I can apparently hope for is to do the 3 hour journey up there, see him for one hour (supervised) at a stupid contact centre (indeed, what the hell?!), and then a 3hr journey back. All in one day. Once or twice a month. Ben is not going to get to know me again and bond in that allotted time. And as I said, no matter how hard I try, I can not do that travelling. Maybe I have lost my baby boy for good? Who knows, but I will continue to fight all the while I continue to breathe....

 

(Please ignore the stupid High Pitched baby talk that I am doing with my boy in this video. He has an effect on me! It's annoying I know! I do apologise!).

Oh and blame Toys 'R' Us for the Pink Glo-Worm. I order him a load of stuff for Christmas from there. I asked for a blue one and they sent the pink one. But Ben loved it all the same! :)