A certain person (not mentioning any names), objects to this blog, has complained about it and tried to use it against me. To that person, I say don't read it then. Simple.... I have been left in a very horrible situation. I have no-one to turn to to talk about things. I have bottled my feelings up all my life and always kept everything within my walls. There is so much hurt going on inside of me right now, this blog was set up for me to let some of those feelings and emotions out. We all need an outlet to stop us from going crazy. It is like my diary. Go hunting for someone's diary and read something in it that you don't like, then it is your own fault. Don't read. Don't get your fingers burnt. And don't constantly check that diary for any new updates that might mention you in it. Even after all that I have gone through (and continue to), I have never made a public defamation of someone's character. And despite having every reason to do so, I have not. And also, no private details of what has gone on or been said inside a court of law has been reproduced in this blog. The outcome yes, but that affects my life and is to do with my life after I have left the courtroom. If I am allowed to see my son on a certain date, I will share the good news with my friends and family. Or if something gets transfered to a different area, I will also share that news. Feel free tho to desperately try and make me look a bad person. I know that I am a good person. And you also know it....
I write this blog after getting myself upset. A van has been outside my house covered in Fairy Lights with Christmas Songs playing loudly and 'Santa Claus' in the back of it, for the past 20mins or so... Lots of dads taking their little kids and toddlers out to it. Something I would kill to be able to do for the first time with my boy. I remember getting choked at it last year also when it was parked out there. But I had the knowledge that my then beautiful girlfriend would be down in a week or so with Benjamin and her two other children for the best part of three weeks over Christmas and New Years. This year, I know I will be alone. I won't see my baby boy at all. Even though he was too young last year to understand Christmas, it was his first one and I got to spend it with him. A child should have both his (or her) parents in his life. Especially at this time of year, it's Christmas. But in the eyes of certain people, Benjamin no longer needs his daddy. He has forgotten who his daddy is and has a new 'father figure' in his life. Benjamin's daddy is just an inconvenience that is getting in the way of the perfect family setup.... I miss my baby boy Benjamin more than anything. Especially his big smile and clingy hugs! He is the love of my life. My world. I won't be celebrating Christmas this year in the slightest. I will not even so much as put a tree up or be buying a turkey.
This blog is a very depressing one I know. And it's about to get worse. But it is the last one that I will ever make. Benjamin is part of everything I ever wanted in life. I've never been drunk, never smoked, never tried drugs, never been in a fight before and never been in any sort of trouble. I never go to pubs or football with "mates". I have always been the homely type and have always just wanted the quiet, simple, family life. A lovely girlfriend to settle down with and a family of our own. Especially a child of my own. I waited 33yrs for my child as I wanted it to be the right time and special. And boy, was my son well worth the wait! All I ever wanted was the opportunity to be the father that I never had. And I got my chance, but it got snatched away....
Seeing that I haven't been allowed to see you in 8 months and I can't even talk to you directly anymore Benjamin, but if you ever get to read this some day. I want you to know that daddy loves you so much. Daddy has fought with all that he has in him to see you and conquered all his biggest fears and phobias that have plagued him for over half his life. Daddy has done this until he has been left physically and mentally exhausted. There is not a day goes by where daddy doesn't think about you. There is not a day that goes by where daddy doesn't shed a tear for you. There is not a day that goes by where daddy isn't missing you. There is not a day that goes by where daddy isn't feeling so much love for you. I've never had anything in life until you came along. You were the most special thing to me that money or anything else just can not buy. You made daddy so happy when you came into this world. You are so special. Never, ever forget that. And never ever forget that you were daddy's world...
Now I know some of my male friends on Facebook will have read this and thought "Oh geeze, what a total idiot. Have some pride man. You are sounding like a right woman here...." But that is ok. I do not mind nor care. I know a certain someone will be laughing at this, showing it off to other people and planning on using it against me in some way. But that is ok For I might be lonely, hurt and alone, but I will always be a good person and everyone else on the planet that knows me is already aware of that. I got immaturely called "bloody pathetic" by some naive person who has no doubt had their head-filled with rubbish as someone walked past me yesterday when I was up North. It is ok, I forgive you. One day you will see the light my friend, as I did, and as did those who came before me...
I will sign out from this blog with these final words. Thank you to everyone on Facebook who has wished me luck, offered me inspiration, motivation, thoughts and love. I am truly blessed to have such amazing friends. And it's times like these where one realises that. Too many to thank individually, but I read each and every comment and message and appreciate them all greatly. And to Benjamin James Alan McGarry. I love you so much. You are my star. My world. My everything. I miss you more than words can express....
Peace and love to you all.
-Mark.
